From the start

I will begin at the start; Angel is 4 years old, before she was even conceived my husband (T) and I were inclined to home educate. We talked about it often while I was pregnant and after she was born the idea became more of a plan especially since where we were living at the time the schools there were very bad and my panic disorder and emetophobia meant that going into crowded public places like a school or supermarket was very hard. I also didn't drive so getting Angel to one of the much better schools a lot further away was out of the question.
I guess that we began home educating from the start, with T working I would sit at home with Angel and we would play games and colour and before she was one she was racing around outside in the sun and chatting everyone's heads off.
Still the plan to home educate was clear although we both kept thinking school age is a long way off.

The first week in 2013 we moved to a different house and a different county. We'd gone from a bad area and barely any support or family to having beautiful surroundings and family so close we only had to cross a courtyard to get to see them.
These are my husbands family and some of the loveliest people I have ever met, however their opinions and beliefs are so mainstream and conformist that it irritates the living daylights out of me.
I'd never planned to send Angel to a playgroup but within several months of being in our new environment she had her first day in the local playgroup. I felt like I had betrayed myself, swept along by these people that see no other option for anything other than the one you are given on a plate. We talked about taking her out, especially when my emetophobia and panic kicked up. The teacher came out to the house and talked to us. (I didn't realize she was lying at the time but she told me she too had emetophobia and I stupidly allowed myself to be comforted) I took it a day at a time but kept sending her despite how unhappy I was about it. Angel was happy and enjoyed it so I went with it. if I removed her I would be in a whole world of trouble with T's family and my own family already hated me for being the black sheep, the one that just had to be different; a freak.

A year later the playgroup started going under with debt and the teacher who lied to me turned out I wasn't the only person she'd been lying too. A whole ream of trouble followed her as she left that job. My sister in law had her daughter in the playgroup too and she moved her daughter across to the school nursery before the playgroup went under. I was once again swept along. I hate myself for it I really do. But once again Angel was happy, beyond happy and her new teacher was absolutely amazing. I was happy, properly happy. I'd passed my test so could drop Angel off and pick her up, she was enjoying nursery and had friends and was learning. For the first time since she started in a school type atmosphere I truly relaxed. I thought we'd found the answer; that she would be happy and safe at school.

The school then broke up for the summer holiday and when Angel went back she would be going into reception. I began to really question the idea of school and the nearer it got to the new school year, the more upset Angel became about going. I should have known there and then, I should have put my foot down and not made her go. I cried every night for weeks before she went back. She cried a lot about missing me and her fears of going and what all the changes might bring.
The summer holiday had been fun but there had also been a lot of time where we got bored and fed up with each other and maybe that is the biggest fear that compelled me to push her to go to school.

She started back after a night of nightmares and crying, I felt terrible, she felt terrible and T was t work early so I had to take her in alone. The first day was a shock really, she was taken from me before either of us had a chance to register what was going in or even say goodbye properly.
She seemed okay when I went to pick her up later but all evening she begged me not to send her the next day. She had more nightmares and cried lots. I wish T would have put us out of our misery that night and told us to end the facade. He didn't; he encouraged us to try it, to give it a fair chance and so the next day I found myself holding my little girl in my arms in the playground, both of us sobbing. The teacher talked to us and then took Angel from me. I allowed her to take my Angel from me. I went back to my car and I cried. I picked her up that night and she was okay again but the fears all started again when we got home.

T encouraged us to keep trying and she did get better at going in. But it did take her the entirety of the first term in school for her to settle properly, especially lunch times when she'd cry for me.
I talked to the teacher, explained how I wasn't happy, that I had planned to home educate and she surprisingly she was supportive and although believed Angel would be better in school said it was our decision and that she was sure that Angel would thrive in any environment. Typically her understanding made me more mellow, glad that Angel had such a good teacher. Angel settled better and made more friends and was coming out of school happy, and even going in happy. She occasionally still tells me how she dislikes lunch but her teacher makes sure that she is well looked after.

It's now been over 9 weeks and I still find that every few weeks I really begin to question things, I notice things about the school that I find unsatisfactory and those niggles eat at me.
As well as the education niggles and small annoyances that grate on me there is the huge problem that in those 9 weeks there have been three major sickness and diarrhea bugs that have swept the entire school. There has been a deep clean taken place but yet since there has been two more. It seems that no other schools get this major problem and although we managed to avoid catching anything the first two times this time Angel has caught the sickness bug along with a nasty cough, chest, sore ears and throat. Being emetophobic every time these bugs have threatened I have gone into panic mode.
I know that I can never keep my family safe from them, I know they are a part of day to day life just the same as getting a cold or falling over; they aren't nice but they happen and you move on. That I can accept and we have had bugs in the past and I have dealt with them and somehow managed to move on even though at the time it felt like the world was falling down around us. However being stuck in a classroom with ill children that she seem to try not to send home if they can help it, the children not washing their hands or using hand gel, just seems like a breeding ground for germs and bugs. Perhaps the reason the school is being hit repeatedly.
I know I can not avoid them all the time. But that doesn't mean I should send my child to a place where they are continually being contracted does it? Yes Angel can pick up germs and the like at home, at the shops, the library or groups, but we can die at anytime yet we don't risk death everyday just because it could happen anyway. That is what a phobia is like, like dying every time you're faced with what you are petrified of.
It sounds incredibly selfish the paragraph above, I will try to explain further; with T at work full time I am Angel's primary career, I am her mummy and I cannot risk my mental health knowing that it risks her too. I need to be there for her, I should be there for her;so putting her at high risk of sickness puts me at high risk of breakdown. I can not break down.

I'm going to take a break here to allow anyone who is reading a respite before getting to the here and now.