2 days of freedom

Angel is not deregistered yet, in fact we are yet to make that decision. It feels like standing at the deep end of a pool and not knowing the temperature of the water or the depth, nor whether there are any dangerous animals in there. 

As I said in the last entry though, Angel was feeling tired and unwell and asked daddy not to send her to school on Wednesday. I had no call from the school and thankfully she came home happy and said she wasn't feeling as bad. 

Yesterday morning (Thursday) she woke up with spots on her cheeks, high temperature, pale, red rimmed eyes, coughing, complaining of sore ears and her throat was red raw and very swollen. Before I'd even woken up properly T had decided she wasn't going into school. He called them and left a message to say she was ill again and wouldn't be in and he said that if they wanted to get up in arms about how much time she's having off then they could and it would be the straw that broke the camels back. (I think he is beginning to feel the same as me, whether he is wanting them to mess up so it will make the decision final and easier.) He ended up in a short argument with his dad over the issue of HE which his dad should have known nothing about if he'd not been told anything by Angel's head teacher. T had to cut it short before he had a chance to fully argue back the points his dad was making because he was going to be late for work. 

T went out to work a short while later and I decided to make an appointment at the doctors to take Angel in and have her checked out. I managed to get one of my orders made and Angel feeling a bit better due to paracetamol before we had to go out. She was perfect in the doctors and couldn't be faulted; she was quiet, only talked in a whisper and played a game on my phone. The doctor called us in and checked Angel over and said that her tonsils are up and swollen and her chest is rattly but she feels that it is viral and Angel should fight it in her own time. She said that Angel is run down and needs plenty of rest, food and liquids to get her back up to health. (so no school for at least the following day). 

I took her up to the chemist next to pick up my prescription and she was again so good and I treated her to a fruit yo yo that asked for. We walked around looking at the clothes and toys together then we got in the car to go home via the chip shop as Angel had been asking for chips for over a week and I promised her we could go on the way back. There was no where to park when we got there though and the traffic was horrendous so I made a quick decision to take her out for lunch at out local Morrisons cafe. She loved the idea and I just thought 'opinions and school be damned'. Sitting there eating with my little monkey I felt free, I was sharing something with her that we haven't shared in ages and it was a treat that both of us needed together. Even sitting there waiting for food she wanted to learn so we did a dot to dot picture and talked about the numbers on our table and what they meant if they were put together. She decided to chat away to an old couple we were in the line with too which was nice. 

Today I woke up in a lot of pain. I suffer with inner ear infections a lot especially in the winter and being out in the cold the day before without a hat (even though Angel told me off and told me I should be wearing one) had caused it to flare. I'm still in a lot of pin now and unable to eat most solid things as it's gone into my cheek and my throat and teeth. Yet I was determined not to allow my discomfort wreck the opportunity to have a nice day with Angel at home. I was still struggling to wake up when she decided to read one of her books to me. It was one of the nicest ways ever to wake up being read a story by your little one :) She even read a few words she's only just learned to sound and managed to recognize most of them by sight. 

Angel then asked me about colours and what happened if you mixed them so I decided to get the paint out and do some colour mixing with her so she could learn what mixes made what colour. We then had a look at some flashcards that I made; each one has the name of the colour on the front and on the back is a sticker of something that colour. The idea being to teach Angel colour words by recognition. I laid them all out of the table like a matching game and asked her to find me a colour. She amazed me and found all of the colours just by their spelling except ,brown, which she had trouble with and we talked about after. She picked out the usual colours by spelling but also gold and silver and grey and black. Proud doesn't describe how I felt. 

She then had some time after lunch gluing and making snowflakes for our tree and then made a collage. 

We then followed that up with one of our workbooks. She chose the book about shapes and we did several pages. 

Now at the end of the day she is very very tired and I have to wonder if aside from her being a bit poorly still is down to her actually using her brain and learning. 

This weekend I think we will need to talk again about the whole thing and I expect T will continue the argument with his dad. 

Strikes

The last week has been very mixed, Angel stayed off school all of last week and one of the things that helped me to recover mentally was the belief that I wouldn't be sending her back to school. I kept a diary of the things we did together and even though she wasn't well and spent time zoned out watching 'Paw Patrol' and 'Wallykazam' I looked back on what I'd written to find she'd actually done more learning than she'd done in school on that Monday. It was nice to have been in the classroom to see how much 'learning' they actually did.

I have to say I had a lovely week, we did lots of fun things together, played games, i taught her how to decopatch and we made some tree decorations, and on the Friday we had a baking session and made some wonderful fairy cakes. I took photos and wrote the learning journal for proof for myself as much as anyone else what we were achieving even with Angel not at full speed,
Her behavior changed as well, she was no longer grumpy and argumentative, she explained herself when she became frustrated and we were both a lot happier.

The bubble was burst at the end of the week when I told T I planned to not send her back to school. He was not keen on the idea at all. He wanted her back in school, he felt it was the best place for her at the moment.  I reluctantly agreed knowing how happy she is at school and when Monday came around she went in.
Monday was a difficult and very strange day as after school Angel went to her friends house for the first time which meant I was home alone from the start of school until gone 6.00 when T picked her up on his way home from work and brought her home. I tried my best to keep busy and had a push on my writing but it was a horrible feeling.
She had a great time though which was the main thing and she came home very very tired and quite grumpy as a result; but happy.

Another thing to note here was T's dad deciding to chat to me and bringing up the school issue. Now baring in mind that he doesn't know my school history and he also was supposed to have no idea what we'd been into the school to speak to the head, nor that she was watching over Angel; he knew all of this and used some of the same sentences that the head had used at the meeting such as 'you can't let your own bad school experiences affect how you see school for Angel'.
Not only should the meeting have stayed in that room and only between the head, Angel's teacher and us. We had made the head promise not to tell T's dad (as he helps out at the school and the head and him are kind of close). She had promised and even seemed a bit put out by our requests as if she'd never dream of it.
Yet there he was speaking about things that only she should know, that we only discussed with her. So it would seem he has been told somethings! We just aren't sure how to find out for sure.

Tuesday morning (yesterday) was an entirely different story for Angel and school. She got up grumpy (she'd had some nightmares in the night but she couldn't remember what about). She delayed getting dressed and messed about and argued and played up something chronic, Then she did the same with doing her teeth and then decided she needed to go to the loo. She refused to move off the loo and I didn't want to rush her so left her. She still wouldn't move and we were forced to do her hair with her on there or risk being very late. I asked her why she was being so slow, why she was delaying and she replied she didn't want to go to school, that she doesn't like lunch times and is tired. We both tried to talk to her and reassure her.
T was meant to be taking her into school but she delayed so much that he was late and couldn't take her in. He went out and I allowed Angel to carry on in the bathroom feeling no need to rush her, If she needed some time then I wasn't going to stop her from having it.

She eventually came out of the bathroom and seemed a bit happier. I had to deice the car a second time when we got outside and I very very strongly considered just taking Angel back in the house and keeping her home for the day. She'd cheered up though and so I decided to drive down there and see how she did along the way and when we got there; I wasn't going to send her in if she was really that unhappy.
We were twenty minutes late and the gates were closed so we had to go through the reception area. I went into the school with her and spoke to her teacher and we had cuddles and then she went in to join the other children singing in the hall without a hiccup. The teacher assured me she would look after her and I left asking the teacher to call me if Angel got upset.

I had no calls in the day and I went to the school to pick her up as usual - including having a massive panic attack-. When the children started coming out the teacher called me int the classroom and proceeded to tell me how lunch time had been messed up again.
As she put it 'because Angel was late into school there was a miss-communication (again!).
I'm sure I mentioned this before last time it happened but to recap; the way lunches work is that there is a hot dinners menu and if Angel doesn't like whats on the menu that day she will take in a pack lunch or she will choose to have a jacket potato. Yesterday she's chosen to have a jacket potato.

Apparently Angel had sat with the hot dinners children (as she was meant to) and when  she was asked what she was having for lunch she replied 'a jacket potato'. She was offered the food on the menu for that day and she told them that she wasn't having that as she didn't like it. (Apparently this confused them because they gave it to her anyway) She once more told them she didn't like it and would like a potato and the seemed to not be able to comprehend because they gave her a school packed lunch (she doesn't like any of these on any days and I have told them this several times!)
So she ended up with a bit of plain bread for lunch and a cake that she had to pick apart because she didn't like the bits in it. Oh and some grapes. So all she really got was a bit of bread and some grapes. She came out of school very very grumpy and ravenous! Just to top it off here she told me later that she didn't get a drink at lunch because she was given orange juice and she didn't like it but they wouldn't change it for water. Her water bottle that she has available in the classroom was still full so she'd had no drink that day at school at all!

Once her bad mood had passed after her rather large dinner we sat down together to do her homework - I used to think homework was stupid but its the only time we get on weekdays to sit down and do something nice together, to learn together. We got it out and did the word worksheet and once more I made it harder by reading out the words and getting her to write them how she thought they were spelled. And she got them all right including two five letter words. (oh and it was all stupid cursive writing pushing too, but as long as she stays at school it is forced on them so we have no choice). Then we got out the maths homework. A few minutes later we put it away again. It was beyond babyish and even more beyond boring. It was a very simply game where she had to read the number on the dice from 1 to 6..... and that's it. T wrote his opinion of it on the homework sheet and we've sent it back in today.

This morning Angel was a lot happier than yesterday and was ready for school early wearing a sticker I had given her for being such a good girl and getting dressed so well. Now usually when i take her to school she gets more upset but today Daddy took her to school and I got a call from him a a few minutes later to say she'd been very upset and burst into tears when they got out of the car. She'd told him she was very tired and wouldn't be able to lie down at school. She said she didn't want to go, her legs were too tired and she would miss us. He took her into see the teacher and told her how Angel was feeling. The teacher assured him she would look after her and T told her to call me if Angel got no better or got worse; that I would come and pick her up. The teacher assured him that she would but I have a feeling that no matter what I won't get that call. She's been feeling poorly at school before and never been sent home. It seems to just be brushed aside. If we get no call and Angel tells us she wanted to come home then that will be another strike and we are going to see the head again. If T is becoming annoyed and unimpressed by them then they really are doing badly; he's so easy going.

So we shall see.

I'd love to start HE this term, all of the lovely things I could do with Angel. I could properly teach her about Yule. We could make people presents, make decorations and our own wreath. We could learn all about winter and wintry things and meet new friends. With the big piece of land that we live on we could do nature walks for other HE families and children and craft morning with our new friends too. I would love to do all of that.
At the moment she is practicing for a silly school play meaning all morning is that and nothing else. Then she has several performances and I have to send in even more clothes for her to wear for it and get her back to school in the evenings. But if she doesn't do it then she will be excluded and separated.
Very frustrating.

The here and now

Last week Angel's school really messed up with several things; the work Angel was doing in school as well as her homework was incredibly behind her capabilities yet again and she is bored. She came home wet twice after playing outside in the cold November weather in water without even a coat on. She was told she wasn't aloud a hot dinner so she ended up with almost nothing to eat for lunch and to top it off the school decided to take her class on a trip to another school, we only found out about this trip five minutes before school by text on the day of the trip! Lastly the cursive writing; we'd talked to the school about this before, and although it had been agreed that Angel could write very well, better than her class and that she would not be pushed to write cursive and basically relearn the alphabet, they have done nothing but push cursive since.

My husband started yet again talking about home education and we made an appointment to go and see the head mistress on the Thursday.
The fears of socialization had been sorted with the inclusion to a home education group in our area and all of the support i'd already received through that along with invitations to meet ups and the like. With how intelligent she already is, we already know that I can educate her, just as I have been. We have the resources and materials needed and as far as we could come up with there was very little stopping us.
We went into the school to talk to the head about our ideas and plans and she strongly disagreed although not in a nasty way. She is a slave to the system, she admitted it herself and kept saying Angel would have to join the real world at some point, that home education wouldn't give her that. She waved aside our comments about her meeting with other home educated children as well as her large selection of cousins. I stood up for myself for once, I actually talked back and I made eye contact. My panic did not get the better of me yet T still seemed swayed back to the idea of school and I would say i reluctantly agreed to give it longer, but I don't specifically remember doing that.
I guess I feel that I will be alone if I remove her.
I went home that day after the meeting and the afternoon was cried away. I detested the school and wanted to take Angel and run.
The following day there was a performance at the school in the afternoon so after a morning shopping to keep myself out of the house and busy I went along. The head found me in the office before the show and took me aside. That's when things turned even more topsy turvey. She asked me if I would come into the school to help out. that way I might feel more settled about it all and she told me that she is amazed by me and my story and she thinks I'm an intelligent young woman who can make a difference. She even talked about me going back to my training to work towards becoming a teacher. (I'd been training to work wit children before I became pregnant with Angel).

I agreed to try it and I went into school yesterday morning (Monday) with Angel. I helped out in her classroom. I observed and helped and was asked to come back. They want me there as a regular thing.
It would have been positive if I hadn't been thinking how unnatural it all felt, how very conventional. On top of that being able to see Angel but not cuddle her was horrible.
I had only just arrived and was effectively trapped when I was informed that a lot of children were off due to the sickness bug that was going through the school. By the time I was told my things were locked in the cupboard and Angel was settling into the day and so I stayed despite the overwhelming need to run and take Angel to the safety of our car. Especially as I watched the children sucking their fingers, touching things that looked unclean and holding hands and eating and just ewww. My panic was in top form.
I was terrified but I somehow stayed then I had to leave Angel there in the germ pit for the afternoon.

Then last night the worst thing that could happen happened. She got it.
She's off school now and I had to call my husband home from work to help me cope. We got through the day but I don't want her in that germ hole anymore. I don't want that mediocre education when she could actually be learning through fun. Meeting 'free' children and I have to admit it would be nice to speak to other parents who also have the same interests in alternative education and the like.

I guess this is a cross roads and once more my heart is telling me to go one way while the 'what if's' drive me back the other again, I know I will never be satisfied with any school. But will I be satisfied if I home educate? and will I be able to take Angel from her friends and the parts she enjoys? Will I be able to face T's family prejudices?

I don't know that if Angel went back into school that I would be able to help out there after this experience but then how can I send my daughter to a place where I don't want to be?

From the start

I will begin at the start; Angel is 4 years old, before she was even conceived my husband (T) and I were inclined to home educate. We talked about it often while I was pregnant and after she was born the idea became more of a plan especially since where we were living at the time the schools there were very bad and my panic disorder and emetophobia meant that going into crowded public places like a school or supermarket was very hard. I also didn't drive so getting Angel to one of the much better schools a lot further away was out of the question.
I guess that we began home educating from the start, with T working I would sit at home with Angel and we would play games and colour and before she was one she was racing around outside in the sun and chatting everyone's heads off.
Still the plan to home educate was clear although we both kept thinking school age is a long way off.

The first week in 2013 we moved to a different house and a different county. We'd gone from a bad area and barely any support or family to having beautiful surroundings and family so close we only had to cross a courtyard to get to see them.
These are my husbands family and some of the loveliest people I have ever met, however their opinions and beliefs are so mainstream and conformist that it irritates the living daylights out of me.
I'd never planned to send Angel to a playgroup but within several months of being in our new environment she had her first day in the local playgroup. I felt like I had betrayed myself, swept along by these people that see no other option for anything other than the one you are given on a plate. We talked about taking her out, especially when my emetophobia and panic kicked up. The teacher came out to the house and talked to us. (I didn't realize she was lying at the time but she told me she too had emetophobia and I stupidly allowed myself to be comforted) I took it a day at a time but kept sending her despite how unhappy I was about it. Angel was happy and enjoyed it so I went with it. if I removed her I would be in a whole world of trouble with T's family and my own family already hated me for being the black sheep, the one that just had to be different; a freak.

A year later the playgroup started going under with debt and the teacher who lied to me turned out I wasn't the only person she'd been lying too. A whole ream of trouble followed her as she left that job. My sister in law had her daughter in the playgroup too and she moved her daughter across to the school nursery before the playgroup went under. I was once again swept along. I hate myself for it I really do. But once again Angel was happy, beyond happy and her new teacher was absolutely amazing. I was happy, properly happy. I'd passed my test so could drop Angel off and pick her up, she was enjoying nursery and had friends and was learning. For the first time since she started in a school type atmosphere I truly relaxed. I thought we'd found the answer; that she would be happy and safe at school.

The school then broke up for the summer holiday and when Angel went back she would be going into reception. I began to really question the idea of school and the nearer it got to the new school year, the more upset Angel became about going. I should have known there and then, I should have put my foot down and not made her go. I cried every night for weeks before she went back. She cried a lot about missing me and her fears of going and what all the changes might bring.
The summer holiday had been fun but there had also been a lot of time where we got bored and fed up with each other and maybe that is the biggest fear that compelled me to push her to go to school.

She started back after a night of nightmares and crying, I felt terrible, she felt terrible and T was t work early so I had to take her in alone. The first day was a shock really, she was taken from me before either of us had a chance to register what was going in or even say goodbye properly.
She seemed okay when I went to pick her up later but all evening she begged me not to send her the next day. She had more nightmares and cried lots. I wish T would have put us out of our misery that night and told us to end the facade. He didn't; he encouraged us to try it, to give it a fair chance and so the next day I found myself holding my little girl in my arms in the playground, both of us sobbing. The teacher talked to us and then took Angel from me. I allowed her to take my Angel from me. I went back to my car and I cried. I picked her up that night and she was okay again but the fears all started again when we got home.

T encouraged us to keep trying and she did get better at going in. But it did take her the entirety of the first term in school for her to settle properly, especially lunch times when she'd cry for me.
I talked to the teacher, explained how I wasn't happy, that I had planned to home educate and she surprisingly she was supportive and although believed Angel would be better in school said it was our decision and that she was sure that Angel would thrive in any environment. Typically her understanding made me more mellow, glad that Angel had such a good teacher. Angel settled better and made more friends and was coming out of school happy, and even going in happy. She occasionally still tells me how she dislikes lunch but her teacher makes sure that she is well looked after.

It's now been over 9 weeks and I still find that every few weeks I really begin to question things, I notice things about the school that I find unsatisfactory and those niggles eat at me.
As well as the education niggles and small annoyances that grate on me there is the huge problem that in those 9 weeks there have been three major sickness and diarrhea bugs that have swept the entire school. There has been a deep clean taken place but yet since there has been two more. It seems that no other schools get this major problem and although we managed to avoid catching anything the first two times this time Angel has caught the sickness bug along with a nasty cough, chest, sore ears and throat. Being emetophobic every time these bugs have threatened I have gone into panic mode.
I know that I can never keep my family safe from them, I know they are a part of day to day life just the same as getting a cold or falling over; they aren't nice but they happen and you move on. That I can accept and we have had bugs in the past and I have dealt with them and somehow managed to move on even though at the time it felt like the world was falling down around us. However being stuck in a classroom with ill children that she seem to try not to send home if they can help it, the children not washing their hands or using hand gel, just seems like a breeding ground for germs and bugs. Perhaps the reason the school is being hit repeatedly.
I know I can not avoid them all the time. But that doesn't mean I should send my child to a place where they are continually being contracted does it? Yes Angel can pick up germs and the like at home, at the shops, the library or groups, but we can die at anytime yet we don't risk death everyday just because it could happen anyway. That is what a phobia is like, like dying every time you're faced with what you are petrified of.
It sounds incredibly selfish the paragraph above, I will try to explain further; with T at work full time I am Angel's primary career, I am her mummy and I cannot risk my mental health knowing that it risks her too. I need to be there for her, I should be there for her;so putting her at high risk of sickness puts me at high risk of breakdown. I can not break down.

I'm going to take a break here to allow anyone who is reading a respite before getting to the here and now.